Venice Underground….
Tonight I did a show. There were a bunch of regulars there. We asked for donations to help a comic that was seriously injured in a car accident. The audience not only remembered the comic(s) but were fans. They had no problem dropping $20 bills in the bucket and offering help in other ways.
Hey comics, these people are actually listening to you. Respect that.
I Came, I Saw, I Pooped
Sometimes, when I’m on set, they have these upgraded port-o-potties. Ever been in one? This is what they’re like.
5 for Cleanliness - This particular bathroom only gets a five for cleanliness. Normally these things are kept very clean because you never know if a producer, director or actor is going to end up in one. The day I entered was not a shooting day. It was a prep day so the bathroom wasn’t cleaned. The garbage was overflowing and the sink was crusty but I’ve seen much worse and it didn’t hinder the enjoyment of my poop.
3 for Comfort - This thing is tiny. I barely fit inside and kept banging my knees. Also, it was a cold day for an outdoor bathroom. I was literally shivering. Combine that with the questionable cleanliness and it makes for an uncomfortable ride. I’m a little neurotic so I was worried the whole time that someone would come to clean while I was in it. How awesome is that? I’m uncomfortable that it’s dirty AND scared someone might clean it.
10 for X-factor - Forget the weird signage or the fact that it is a bathroom on wheels. The X-factor here comes from the graffiti! Someone left a blue crayon in the bathroom. Someone else did 24” X 24” bubble letters next to the napkin dispenser. This is where it gets good. A third person came in the bathroom and got SO MAD at the graffiti that they used the blue crayon to write STUPID on the bubble letters. YOU WROTE GRAFFITI TO PROVE HOW MUCH YOU HATE GRAFFITI! That’s like bombing for world peace or fucking for virginity you silly sad person. Genuine irony will always garner a ten for x-factor from me.
This bathroom’s overall score is a 6.
If you want to see a bathroom like this you should get a job on a movie set or rent one from the vendor. Word.
This song was #1 on the Billboard Charts the day I was born. I bet this song made a lot of car rides really awkward.
Remember DMX?
I’ve been thinking about DMX lately. What he did in rap is so different than everything going on right now in the mainstream. Go watch his videos. Listen to the lyrics. Can you believe it was mainstream? This guy went multi-platinum about 5 times.
I think I’m going to try and come up with 365 tweets about DMX. One for every day in 2012. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far:
•I really miss the way DMX used to tackle the big issues like, “what deez bitches want from a n-word”.
•If DMX was on fire he’d stop, drop, shut’em down, open up shop.
•Remember when DMX did that medical alarm commercial? “I’m slippin’, I’m fallin’, I can’t get up.” #igotstagetup
•No one works harder than crackheads. #DMX dropped 6 albums (5 platinum), starred in 5+ movies, has a TV show and wrote a book. On crack.
I have some more saved up and I’ll try to do one per day but I’ll definitely get 365 done before the end of the year. If you’re interested you can follow me on twitter @roblovesbagels.
Also, I’m doing this for ME! It’s totally cool if you’re not into it.
I Tried to Start the New Year With A Fist Fight at 12811 Gilmore Ave. LA, CA 90066
So, I’m at a house party playing pool. Yeah, they had a decent pool table and I was happy to use it with three friends. It was a two on two game and each of us was worse with a pool stick than a ten year old. We were all having fun though.
One of the onlookers commented on my buddy’s bowtie. “Nice bowtie faggot!”, he said. My buddy responded, “Thanks, I like it too.” We tried to continue our game.
This onlooker, wearing a Jack Daniels shirt and a Raiders hat, kept chiming in, “That’s a nice bow tie for a faggot. That’s a pretty faggot bowtie you got there, faggot!” My friend, having had enough, responded, “Yeah, why don’t you throw me in an oven?!” The sarcasm was evident.
This comment made the bigot onlooker angry. “Oh no, you’re one of THOSE Jews!”, he exclaimed. “The holocaust happened a hundred years ago and you fucking Jews are still bitching and moaning!”
It was an unspoken understanding between us players that our pool game was over. If this guy is willing to round UP to one hundred years and make the holocaust insignificant then we should go out of our way to avoid further confrontation. I mean, that’s what a normal person would think. I’m not a normal person.
“Thanks a lot for your help!” I screamed across the table. It was the perfect amount of indifference to spark the bigot’s attention. He approached me immediately. The bigot stuck his hand out for a shake and said, “What’s up?” I directly responded, “I don’t shake hands with people who hate Jews and faggots.” The bigot retorted, “Well this is my fucking house!”
Oops! I didn’t realize I was at a racist’s house! I met the bigot’s roommate. Guess what, SHE’S JEWISH. She was also standing there listening to her housemate’s anti-Jew and anti-homosexual tirade. That annoys me. Have some respect for yourself you sad sad Jew. I pity this poor girl.
Back to me: I told the bigot, “I don’t want to be in your house then!” He mouthed off, saying a whole bunch of bullshit. He even started gripping an empty bottle of Jameson like he was going to use it as a weapon.
That bullshit doesn’t scare me. My friends and I collected our things and headed toward the door. He followed us with his Jameson Bottle Bludgeon the whole way.
I reached my limit with this guy and decided to call his bluff. I turned to him in the middle of his living room and said, “Fuck you! Fuck you right here in front of your friends in your own fucking living room!” Then I spit on the floor at his feet and said, “Meet me outside, asshole!” i wanted to get him off of his property where the law was on my side.
I waited in the street and he didn’t show his face. All my friends but one left the party. We waited for the final friend to exit when, all of the sudden, the bigot cascaded through the door with his empty Jameson bottle weapon.
I did what any of you would do and screamed, “C’mon you fucking pussy! Come out in the street you bitch! Come off your property you fucking pussy!” The bigot responded, “Fuck you dirty Jews. You are Jews! Whining Jews!” Tough words for a guy who won’t leave his doorway.
My last friend left the party and I drove him home.
It’s now approaching 4am on 1/1/12 and I’m still mad. I’m mad that this guy alienated my best friend in the world who is Jewish. I’m mad that this guy walks around screaming, “Faggot” in a hateful way. I’m mad that he trivializes the holocaust but he’s too scared to meet me in the street and get bloody.
I’M HAPPY THAT I STARTED 2012 SPITTING ON THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR OF A FUCKING RACIST AND EXPOSING HIS COWARDICE TO THE WORLD.
The bigot lives at 12811 Gilmore Ave. LA, CA 90066. He is about 6’4” and has long light brown hair that reaches his shoulders. He hates Jews and faggots (his words). He is also a GIANT FUCKING PUSSY who wouldn’t leave his property and square up with me. I am in no way encouraging people to commit crimes of any kind against this person but his address and description are clearly posted in this paragraph.
Happy New Year!
